The Future of Hip-Hop

Hip-Hop was slippin for while but these last couple of years things have been getting better. These dudes right here are the future of hip-hop. I picked my Top 4 out of the Top 10 Freshman and in case ya don't know much about these dudes I got a music sample for each of them. These dudes and others like Drake are bringing rap back to its roots. I miss old school rap where a song didn't need a 45 sec chorus or have to feature an R&B artist (though some Collabo's are cool), but it could just be about the Rhymes. At the end of the day it should be about the music so many rappers out now can't even spit (Soldier Boy, Juelz Santana and I could go on but why give them any kind of publicity, they damn sure don't deserve it) and it is all about having a gimmick and marketability rather than true talent. But these four dudes have got REAL talent and I can't wait until they truly get the respect they deserve.



Charles Hamilton- Brooklyn Girls




Wale- Nike Boots


Wale "Nike Boots" video (Directed by Chris Robinson) from Elitaste on Vimeo.


Cory Gunz- Freestyle




Asher Roth- As I Em

Stream of Consciousness/ My life by Danny K

Countdown 4,3,2,1
What is time really?
A relative concept,
A social construction,
Abstract actually,
So, what am I waiting for?
A miracle, a prayer to finally be answered..What am I talking about?
Why am I writing this?
A Stream of Consciousness bursting out onto the page like a broken ink pen.
I feel life, love, death all at once like a tsunami raining down onto a ship,
I don't even know what to think,
Is this painful existence even real or is it just some huge punchline that I will just wake up from one day,
Am I gonna be doomed to a life of conformity and unhappiness because it's easier?
That's what it feels like right now,
All hope is destroyed like Pandora's box never opened but instead smashed to pieces before hope could take its first breath,
There's so many things I want to say but everything is so hard,
Why is life so cruel?
Why is sadness and pain so immense and prolonging,
While love and happiness always seems to end so quickly,
Maybe I will have the courage to say what I need to say to you,
Or maybe this Stream of Consciousness was all just a waste time...


My life




My life like the sky without clouds is incomplete without you,
For seven and half years I have just been left to make due,
I don't even understand why I am here but you give me a reason to live, to fight, to strive for perfection,
With no other person in this world do I share this connection,
When everyone has left me you have always been there, will always be there,
And unlike so many people who come in and out of my life, you really mean it when you say you care,
They tried to take you away from me but the bond we share no amount of distance can separate,
A love so strong the word itself can't even begin to demonstrate,
For you I will do anything and no obstacle put in my way could ever stop me,
Because without you where would I be?

This is for you Lil Jerome, My Brother, My Friend, My Life

"I feel like I'm just waiting live so that I can die and that I'm waiting to die so that I can live!"

I don't know if I'm the first person to technically say the above quote/title of this blog, but I first wrote it down when I was 12 to describe my thoughts about life and it was the only thing that I could think of that fit. Still to this day at 21, I can't think of any quote that can describe the human condition better than this blog title. So many people spend every waking moment for that one thing that can make life worth living. Even if you haven't written it down, most people have at least a mental list of things to do before they die and when we think of people we know who die before they got to complete their life's goals, we feel sad for them and hope that the same thing won't happen to us. So in a way we are sort of "just waiting live so that we can die", because once we complete our life's goals we say well if I died today at least we got to do what we wanted, it's only natural.

When things get crazy in life you can't help to think that death is the only escape and even though to most people the thought of dying is scary, you can't deny their is also an idea of spiritual release (this doesn't have to tie in with religion necessarily) in death where all the problems of the world, all man's pain and strive can be removed. That's why people who get close to dying say after the immediate pain of what harmed you (bullet, car crash etc) they don't feel any pain after and there is sort of this comforting feeling. At times I find relief in this notion of death saving us from all life's ailments. So, with all the pain in life maybe death is the only time you get to truly live pain-free. But at other times the uncertainty of death is to hard for me to bear.

In my life I plan everything, I keep a calender record of what I need to get done on a daily basis that as time goes on my tasks just get greater so I don't find that death itself is scary to me but just the fact that I the planner, the person who always thinks before I act, haven't the slightest idea what death has in store for us and there is no one in the world who can give me this answer. That's what really scares me and so my notion of "I'm waiting to die so that I can live!", doesn't quite help in relieving me of these feelings.

Last night I was reminded of a conversation I had with Granny, my great grandmother who passed away in Sept. 2007 when I was in Junior high school about death. She never thought of dying as a scary concept, they she spoke of it seemed like she took comfort in the concept. She would talk about how most of her good friends have died and as time goes on more of them die. So, I wondered why Granny wasn't afraid of dying when she seemed so sad to think about almost all her lifelong friends being dead. Then, I remembered when her brother Uncle Charles in 1998. She was so sad when he was in the hospital from having a brain tumor and when she spoke to the doctors, to find out if there was anything that could be done and they said "No, that life support could keep him living a little longer but he would eventually die from it". The next thing Granny asked was that if he was going to be in any pain while on life support and the doctors said "Yes, he will be in a lot of pain". And Granny made a decision that I don't think I could ever do and hope I will never have to do and she told them to pull the plug on her brother. It wasn't because she had to pay doctor bills because my Grand Uncle being a veteran had all of that taken care of and burial taken of and plus Granny never thought like that she cared deeply for her brother and all her family. But when she thought of her only brother living only to be in pain everyday she couldn't stand it and felt that, that wasn't what he would have wanted. So Granny found comfort in death because when she thought about her mother, brother, daughter and all her close friends who passed away and the possibility of seeing them again, that brought her peace. She did what she wanted to in life and never had any regrets or at least she didn't express any to me and so she accepted death and all its uncertainties and had no fears. At the time and still till this day, I wonder if when I get to be her age would I feel the same way about death but I understood how Granny felt and it made sense to me why someone would feel that way.

All this stuff is just speculation of course or me theorizing on a concept I created, but isn't it interesting and doesn't it open a world of possibilities to what life is really about?

And I wanted to leave these last lines for my Granny, who I miss so much even though we had our bad times but no one is perfect so I hold no grudges or contempt. I never got to say goodbye to you Granny and the last time I saw you we argued and I'm so sorry it had to end like that. I never got to tell you that you taught me so much about life and my ancestry that I will never forget and I will pass on those lessons someday to my children and tell them about you so you will never be forgotten. I never imagined you dying while I was still so young and I wanted you to be alive to see me graduate from college and become a lawyer since you were so proud about me being in school and pursuing my goals. You will be with me in spirit though on graduation day and I will keep my promise I made to you when I was 13 and the first book I write will be about your mother, my great great grandmother and you. After moving about 10 times, I still have the book I wrote in that night when you gave me notes about your mother's history and I make sure that every time I move I still have that book with me. I love you Granny, goodbye and if it is ever possible I hope one day that I will get to see you again...

You're so gay...

Ok, so I just got back from the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender Alliance College Conference(MBLGTACC) in Bloomington, Indiana and I have to say I left this afternoon from Indiana with so much on my mind when it comes to LGBT issues and how I feel about the community as a whole. To many this weekend was just an excuse to hook up with random strangers then never see them again, but to me it was more than just that(Though the idea of hooking up had occurred to me on more than one occasion during the course of the weekend, lol). But ok back to my point, I learned a lot this weekend about myself, things that I knew and things I didn't from this trip. Am I really a lesbian? What makes you gay? Does being a homosexual or queer mean that we all have to have the same ideologies, thoughts and beliefs? Do all LGBT members in the community or especially ones that are famous or hold a high status in society have to fight for the gay agenda? If you don't does that mean that you don't care about the gay community? These were all the things running through my mind after I left the conference earlier today.

Well, until I am reincarnated into a heterosexual woman's body who actually is heterosexual and not just suppressing her feelings for women, it's safe to say that I have and will always like girls. I tried to like boys when I was in junior high and even my freshman year of high school but it just didn't work. I was always a tomboy and hung out with nothing but guys. My best friends were guys and they made me feel comfortable as appose to girls at the time who always made me feel self-conscious and not girly enough. So because I wasn't fitting in with girls my age at the time I tried to tell myself that I liked my guy friends which of course wasn't the case since I was having crushes on girls in my school classes every year from the age of 5 yrs old.

When I first came out at age 15, I just wanted to surround myself with gay people because I thought that they would understand me and make me feel comfortable and accepted. But as I grow older I realize that just because I hang with gay people doesn't automatically mean that I will just be accepted for who I am more than I would with heterosexual people. I'm starting to realize the opposite actually. I know so many gay people especially gays in the Midwest who make me feel so uncomfortable and unaccepted for who I am and I know so many straight people who accept for who I am and love me more for it.

So lets relate all this back to the title of this blog, "You're so gay". What does this really mean? To me being gay isn't all I am. Actually it's number 10 on my list of things that make up who I am. I am black, I'm a woman, I'm mixed, I'm from NYC, My younger brother who is autistic is my life, I believe in God and I am very spiritual person and I could go on but I think you can get the point that being a lesbian isn't all that consumes my everyday life. I feel like I don't relate to the gay community especially in the Midwest, because I feel that a lot people in the LGBT community feel that being queer is the be all and end all and its all that consumes them on a day to day basis but its just not like that for me. So does this mean that I don't care about the gay community and its issues? No. It just means that, that's not all I care about. I care about Women's issues, Latino issues, Black issues and many others and I don't believe that just because a person identifies as LGBT that they have to constantly and always be doing things in the way of helping the community. I don't think anyone is obligated to have to represent the community they are a part of, whether it's racial, ethnic or sexual orientation. That's not to say that people should do nothing but sometimes you just have to live your life first and worry about all the other bullshit second.

For me I want to do what makes me happy and some of it is fighting for LGBT issues and making LGBT images in the media more positive and realistic but another part is fighting for all the other issues that I mentioned above and taking care of my brother and then spending whatever time I have left over (If I have any, lol), just living my life to the fullest. Because we only live once and tomorrow is promised to no one.

One more semester to go...

So I'm almost there, 6 months away from graduation and I still can't belive it. Time flys but then again its been long overdue. I'm on break right now but I'm so ready to go back to school to start classes and get my last semester over with. I always joke and say that I'm not gonna miss anything about Michigan when I leave but that's not true, I really am going to miss it. Its been a big part of my life for the past 3 1/2 yrs and its going to be really wierd not going back away to school come next Fall. But on a brighter note, I applying to law school now so hopefully come next Fall I will be doing something even better than my undergraduate experience. I will be a first generation college graduate so I am very proud of this accomplishment. So wish me luck while I prepare for my last semester of Undergrad and the dawn of the rest of my life.

The Obama reaction

Since the elections ended almost two weeks ago I have seen many different reactions to its outcome. Many people in the LGBT community have been upset since elections because so much anti-gay laws passed in four states. While being someone who identifies as a lesbian I definately understand how frustrating it is to have our rights not being recognized across the country but as a multi-racial (Black & hispanic, though I mixed with asian and native american as well)person of color I also have a different outlook on things. Minorities in this country have been and are still constantly fighting so that we get recognized and our rights are represented.Obama winning the election is an historical but we all know that if this was 20 or even 10 years ago that he wouldnt have won. The timing wouldnt have been right. Blacks in this country didnt start fighting for our freedom during the Civil Rights movement, we have been fighting for our rights ever since slavery ended, and we still dont have equal rights to white people. Hopefully with this new development with the elections can change that but coming from NYC I can tell you I have seen and currently see our rights getting overlooked. in the past two years in NYC I have seen cops kill innocent black people who were unarmed and not even commiting a crime and get let off with a slap on the wrist from the courts and some still able to keep there jobs. So, how can I expect gays to have full rights in this country when minorities dont have full rights! Now, thats not to say that I thing the anti-gay laws passed are in anyway good but I just see things in a different light being a person who has been discriminated on multiple levels and knowing that just because one major change in American history has occured doesnt mean that everything else will just fall into place.


It takes time like every major change. The stonewall movements were the beginning but that's not long enough to make a major change in America, seeing as the big movement of gays coming out and being seen in public more and the media has only been within the past 10 yrs or so. As gays we can fight for our rights and no one should ever tell us that we can't but this world and country is a fucked up place so we shouldnt be suprised when anyone that's different gets the shitty end of the deal. But I am proud that Obama is our next president and that is more important to me than anything else because my culture and race is a major part of who I am and being gay is just a tiny part of it. Some gay minorities might see this differently and thats ok, this is just my opinion but to me, I have struggled with my identity and who I am as a multi-racial person my whole life and so being proud of my heritage is very important to me. So stop bad mouthing Obama just because this shitty laws have passed, because he didnt draw up those bills,he has openly stated that he feels that gays and lesbians deserve rights.He couldnt obviously take a stance on gay marriage because the battle of him becoming president was hard enough without him risking taking a stance on it and lossing the election. That doesn't mean that he's not and it doesn't mean that he is going to try to fight for gay rights in America, it just means the man hasn't even taken office yet so give him a chance to see if he will do something, then you can complain if you want. But thats just my opinion...


Note (9/5/2009): Here's an article on this very same topic by LZ Granderson, an openly gay ESPN sports writer, he speaks the truth and I had the pleasure of hearing him speak in Feb. 2009 at Indiana University, check it out:

Gay is not the new black (Updated 7/16/2009)

Obama!!!! Vote Nov. 4th, its your life don't waste it!

I almost forgot to mention this, but I got to see Obama speak on my campus yesterday. That brother is amazing. He has a realness to him that other presidential candidates never had. I always wanted to see him speak so, I'm glad that I got the opportunity to be there and it was on my school campus a block away from my dorm. This dude has got to win in November man or I'm going to Canada or something because if America would rather have old man McCain who's got one foot in the grave and who will just continue the same policies as the Bush Administration but water them down and a Vice-president literally one heart beat away from the presidency who has no experience and couldn't even handle her job duties in Alaska just because they're too scared to have a black man as president than I don't want to be a part of this country. Good luck Obama in the 2008 elections, you are definitely needed in this crazy time.

Yuvvraaj

I should be doing Spanish homework right now and finish reading a book for English class but I got sidetracked by watching this promo for a new Bollywood film, called Yuvvraaj, that is coming out on November 21, 2008 on a someone's facebook page. Also, I'm taking the LSAT in a day and need to relieve some of the pressure by thinking about other things. If you don't know what the LSAT is, it's a standardized test that decides your entry into Law school the way that the SAT decides your entry into College so, its a pretty big deal and super stressful. Wish me luck! But back to the main point of this post, the film, Yuvvraaj, stars Katrina Kaif (Who is gorgeous!Look at her pic above), Salman Khan, Anil Kapoor, Zayed Khan, directed by Subhash Ghai and with A.R. Rahman doing the music. I not a huge Bollywood movie fan but I have seen some movies that are pretty good. Bollywood movies definately seem to be more creative than most of these crappy Hollywood movies that are out now. I definately want to see this movie though and get the soundtrack to it (If you didn't already know, I listen to all types of music). If I can find some other clips of the movie, I'll add the links to this post. The trailer for the movie is below and under it is the link to the official website if you want more info about it as it becomes available:


Official website:

http://www.muktaarts.com/newsite/yuvvraaj/

Other links for film:

Yuvvraaj song promo

Feloni

Im back at campus bored as all bloody hell because my school is empty until Friday. So, boredom at work led my to reading some blogs of this lesbian rap artist on myspace named Feloni, she talked about some interesting issues around being lesbian and bisexual in today's society. So I thought I'd share my comments I wrote to two of Feloni's blogs because I feel that they give some insight on my thoughts about bisexuals and the demands of being an AG or a stud today. FYI, you might want to read Feloni's two blogs before you read my comments to them so you can fully understand everything I am responding to, but its not that important because I made all my thoughts pretty clear. Let me know what you think...

I Don't have to act like a Man to Love a Woman, by Feloni

My response


Man, when I read this I had to double check it to make sure that this wasn't something I wrote because I relate to everything you said. I always felt more comfortable from a young age to wear baggy clothes because I didn't want boys hitting on me or looking and talking about my body because I was always very developed even at a young age. But then as you mentioned you got the bad things that come with dressing in baggy clothes like the guys messing with you or talking shit to you, saying things like you want to be a "Man" or that you are trying to be something that you are not. But some of these "agressive" females make it hard for us when they are projecting the wrong image that we AG's, studs or whatever you want to call it are just the same as men, (Because I hear them say this alot) and they make it so men feel like we are challenging them instead of it being that we just are trying to live are life and be happy the best way we know how. Also, I notice how some AG's or studs carry on some of the destructive behaviors of men because they feel like they have to over compensate for something that is not there and that they have to prove their "toughness" to men and women alike. And I hate the labels studs, AG's, etc to refer to me because I feel no one can be defined whole heartedly by one term. I'm me and that's all I'll ever be butch, stud or AG don't define who I am. And why should I want to be lumped into the same category as women who most often than not carry on with their lives totally different from me and see me more as competition then someone who is fighting the same battle as them, but I have also noticed that girls in general are harder on each other then men and more often than not rather criticize then get to know one another. I'll just end this by saying, that I'm not a man and don't ever want to be one, but I'm not gonna confine myself to the stereotypes and traditions of just because you are a woman you must be soft, timid and obedient because that's not me baggy clothes or no baggy clothes. I have went through too much in my life to be anything but tough and if men or other women want to categorize that as wanting to be a man then that's on them, but I know better. Good blog by the way Feloni, keep doing your thing.


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The "Downlow" Lesbian, is she actually Bi?, by Feloni

My Response

I can't give a definite yes or no answer to whether or not lesbians who like penetration are actually bi on the low because to me you have to go on a case by case basis. Like you I hardly never been in a relationship with a lesbian, being that it was only one time out of the 6-7 relationships I have been in and it was one of the shortest relationships I was ever in. She liked penetration and strap-ons being used on her and she always claimed to me that she was strictly lesbian and I haven't seen otherwise to second guess her. She always told me that it wasn't so much the penetration that she liked because she said she could do without it. But she said that's she likes using strap-ons with her AG or stud girlfriends because it seemed please them and make them feel like they have power and she was just into what was gonna make the sexual experience enjoyable for both of them. I also have been with bisexuals who aren't into getting strapped at all so, personally I think that liking or not liking penetration alone can't be the sole determining factor in whether your or not you are a lesbian or bisexual. Its not that I have a real preference in the matter of dating a girl that's lesbian or bisexual because if I like a girl and she likes me, I don't really care what she identifies herself as, so long as she treats me right and makes me happy.

But my experience dating bisexuals has been that they all aren't that stereotypical, I like both girls and guys so its ok for me to have a boyfriend and a girlfriend type of chick. Many of them just go with whoever makes them happy and treats them good whether its a girl or guy. With that being said I do have one issue with dating bisexuals, they tend to downplay their interest in guys when they date girls, like I have had bisexual girls say that they hate this or that about men or sex with men or tell me that they like girls like 80% and guys 20% etc, as if this is some math class instead of real life emotions that can't be bonded by percentages supposing to measure up you interests and tastes. But when the relationship is done the next relationship that they get in are in my case more often then not with a guy and I'm not afraid to say that it sort of messes with my ego to see this happen because I have a lot of personal issues when it comes to guys. If your bisexual and you like men and women both equally or one more than another that's fine but don't downplay your feelings for guys because you are with a girl and you think it will make me feel better because in the end I am more upset with the fact that I was lied to the whole time more so then the fact that they are with a dude after we break up.

Going back to the penetration issue, I use to never want to use a strap-on a girl because I felt like it would mean that I wanted to be a guy which I don't want to be. But as I got older I realized that sex is about pleasing each other and if I am with a girl that likes penetration why should I not at least try it out or anything else for that matter for them, if I don't enjoy it then I don't but I shouldn't just write it off completely. But do I like using strap-ons on women to symbolise my power over them or because of some deep seeded fear of losing your girl to a guy, I'm really not sure. I don't think it has anything to do with power but you never know what your subconscious is thinking, but I do know that sometimes I have wondered that if I don't give my girl what she wants in this case, being penetration, would she go to some dude for it? But like I said I have some personal issues when it comes to the girls I got out with dating guys after me. So that's all I can think of and I think I wrote enough, but I really like your blogs, you give me something to think about. Stay up.

The madness

That is the only way I can describe myself right now, frustrated, angry, upset, hurt, annoyed, disappointed basically all of the above, I don't know, I feel like I just deserve better, I have busted my ass my whole life to get to what? I am officially 21 years old now and I should be happy but for what? I am a single gay female who has only one ex out of like 7-8 who hasn't went back to boys. Can I even say WENT back, its, more like they just took a short break from boys to play with girls emotions for a while so, what do I have... One ex who's name I have tattooed on my arm that's gonna give birth in 6 months, One ex that is back n forth with the guy she played me for, who got her pregnant too but she wasn't as lucky as my previous ex and she lost the baby, One ex who is probably gonna get married to some dude she has been since we broke up like 4 years ago, n I could go on but I don't want to. And lastly, me single for the past year, and I like to think of myself as being single for the past 2 years because I think 3-4 months out of that time with the girls I was talking to shouldn't really count, and I got so much stress on my plate with aging out of foster care this past June, applying to Law school soon and making sure I graduate in May, plus taking care of my Autistic brother. If you don't know me you probably think that I'm one of those people who just think that they have it worse than everybody else but I'm not. I know that there are people who are starving right now, getting abused, praying that a bomb doesn't go off in front of their house and so much more. So I definitely don't think that I am the only one with issues. I just feel with going through everything I have went through I deserve some happiness. Is that so hard to ask? I just want a girl who won't turn straight in less than a year and not make me feel like I totally wasted my time. I don't know, I need to release the madness for a little bit. Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read this long as post. Hope tomorrow works out a little better for me.