Stream of Consciousness/ My life by Danny K

Countdown 4,3,2,1
What is time really?
A relative concept,
A social construction,
Abstract actually,
So, what am I waiting for?
A miracle, a prayer to finally be answered..What am I talking about?
Why am I writing this?
A Stream of Consciousness bursting out onto the page like a broken ink pen.
I feel life, love, death all at once like a tsunami raining down onto a ship,
I don't even know what to think,
Is this painful existence even real or is it just some huge punchline that I will just wake up from one day,
Am I gonna be doomed to a life of conformity and unhappiness because it's easier?
That's what it feels like right now,
All hope is destroyed like Pandora's box never opened but instead smashed to pieces before hope could take its first breath,
There's so many things I want to say but everything is so hard,
Why is life so cruel?
Why is sadness and pain so immense and prolonging,
While love and happiness always seems to end so quickly,
Maybe I will have the courage to say what I need to say to you,
Or maybe this Stream of Consciousness was all just a waste time...


My life




My life like the sky without clouds is incomplete without you,
For seven and half years I have just been left to make due,
I don't even understand why I am here but you give me a reason to live, to fight, to strive for perfection,
With no other person in this world do I share this connection,
When everyone has left me you have always been there, will always be there,
And unlike so many people who come in and out of my life, you really mean it when you say you care,
They tried to take you away from me but the bond we share no amount of distance can separate,
A love so strong the word itself can't even begin to demonstrate,
For you I will do anything and no obstacle put in my way could ever stop me,
Because without you where would I be?

This is for you Lil Jerome, My Brother, My Friend, My Life

"I feel like I'm just waiting live so that I can die and that I'm waiting to die so that I can live!"

I don't know if I'm the first person to technically say the above quote/title of this blog, but I first wrote it down when I was 12 to describe my thoughts about life and it was the only thing that I could think of that fit. Still to this day at 21, I can't think of any quote that can describe the human condition better than this blog title. So many people spend every waking moment for that one thing that can make life worth living. Even if you haven't written it down, most people have at least a mental list of things to do before they die and when we think of people we know who die before they got to complete their life's goals, we feel sad for them and hope that the same thing won't happen to us. So in a way we are sort of "just waiting live so that we can die", because once we complete our life's goals we say well if I died today at least we got to do what we wanted, it's only natural.

When things get crazy in life you can't help to think that death is the only escape and even though to most people the thought of dying is scary, you can't deny their is also an idea of spiritual release (this doesn't have to tie in with religion necessarily) in death where all the problems of the world, all man's pain and strive can be removed. That's why people who get close to dying say after the immediate pain of what harmed you (bullet, car crash etc) they don't feel any pain after and there is sort of this comforting feeling. At times I find relief in this notion of death saving us from all life's ailments. So, with all the pain in life maybe death is the only time you get to truly live pain-free. But at other times the uncertainty of death is to hard for me to bear.

In my life I plan everything, I keep a calender record of what I need to get done on a daily basis that as time goes on my tasks just get greater so I don't find that death itself is scary to me but just the fact that I the planner, the person who always thinks before I act, haven't the slightest idea what death has in store for us and there is no one in the world who can give me this answer. That's what really scares me and so my notion of "I'm waiting to die so that I can live!", doesn't quite help in relieving me of these feelings.

Last night I was reminded of a conversation I had with Granny, my great grandmother who passed away in Sept. 2007 when I was in Junior high school about death. She never thought of dying as a scary concept, they she spoke of it seemed like she took comfort in the concept. She would talk about how most of her good friends have died and as time goes on more of them die. So, I wondered why Granny wasn't afraid of dying when she seemed so sad to think about almost all her lifelong friends being dead. Then, I remembered when her brother Uncle Charles in 1998. She was so sad when he was in the hospital from having a brain tumor and when she spoke to the doctors, to find out if there was anything that could be done and they said "No, that life support could keep him living a little longer but he would eventually die from it". The next thing Granny asked was that if he was going to be in any pain while on life support and the doctors said "Yes, he will be in a lot of pain". And Granny made a decision that I don't think I could ever do and hope I will never have to do and she told them to pull the plug on her brother. It wasn't because she had to pay doctor bills because my Grand Uncle being a veteran had all of that taken care of and burial taken of and plus Granny never thought like that she cared deeply for her brother and all her family. But when she thought of her only brother living only to be in pain everyday she couldn't stand it and felt that, that wasn't what he would have wanted. So Granny found comfort in death because when she thought about her mother, brother, daughter and all her close friends who passed away and the possibility of seeing them again, that brought her peace. She did what she wanted to in life and never had any regrets or at least she didn't express any to me and so she accepted death and all its uncertainties and had no fears. At the time and still till this day, I wonder if when I get to be her age would I feel the same way about death but I understood how Granny felt and it made sense to me why someone would feel that way.

All this stuff is just speculation of course or me theorizing on a concept I created, but isn't it interesting and doesn't it open a world of possibilities to what life is really about?

And I wanted to leave these last lines for my Granny, who I miss so much even though we had our bad times but no one is perfect so I hold no grudges or contempt. I never got to say goodbye to you Granny and the last time I saw you we argued and I'm so sorry it had to end like that. I never got to tell you that you taught me so much about life and my ancestry that I will never forget and I will pass on those lessons someday to my children and tell them about you so you will never be forgotten. I never imagined you dying while I was still so young and I wanted you to be alive to see me graduate from college and become a lawyer since you were so proud about me being in school and pursuing my goals. You will be with me in spirit though on graduation day and I will keep my promise I made to you when I was 13 and the first book I write will be about your mother, my great great grandmother and you. After moving about 10 times, I still have the book I wrote in that night when you gave me notes about your mother's history and I make sure that every time I move I still have that book with me. I love you Granny, goodbye and if it is ever possible I hope one day that I will get to see you again...