Writing through the Pain...

This video best describes me right now. What do you do when you are 20 years old and realize that for the first time in your life someone who you were close with, taught you so much and shared so many memories with has died? I knew it was coming. When people I know had someone who they were close to that died I felt really bad for them and never really knew what I could doto help them through it. I mean I was there for them if they wanted to talk and gave them space when they needed it but I didn't know what it was like to have someone really close to you that you cared a lot about die. Whenever I would think about people I cared about dying I would just push the thought to the back of my mind and hope that it wouldn't happen anytime soon. Because knowing my thoughts about death it would be hard for me to handle.What kills is I wanted to see my great grandmother when she was really sick this summer when I was back home in NYC but because of relations I have with my grandmother, her daughter, i couldn't go see her while she was still alive. And, now that she is gone I can't even go to the funeral because I would end up getting into some shit with my family and probably wind up getting Jumped! I fucking hate people, especially family. I only have 4 family members my mom, two brothers and 1 cousin. The rest(all 100 of them) are just people with whom I share a common ancestry. I fucking hate this shit! People who didn't even have respect for her when she was sick in her hospital bed are going to be able to see her and I won't! It was a little over a year since I seen her and I didn't exactly leave her house on "I love you" happy terms. Not as bad as other times in the past when I got into it with her but it wasn't exactly how I would have wanted to remember my last time seeing her. I'm just still in a state of denial like if I talk about it less maybe it will go away. I hung out with my friend and talked to a few people I was close with to get my mind off of things but I'm alone now so reality has kicked back in. And what's worse is I'm working now and it has been just over 24hrs since she has pasted and I am doing the grave yard shift so I still have 2 and a half more hours to go before I can actually get some sleep. I've been up for about 20hrs and I am so ready to sleep but I have to force myself up for a couple more hours. When people I know have problems they always turn to me but when I have a problem like this its not really someone I can turn to. Don't get me wrong I talked to a few people today who have helped but when I think of how I am when people I know have problems it doesn't even come close. I just can't believe that this is how things have to go down the first time someone close to me dies. I would have at least wanted to pay my respects but I can't even do that. But why am I surprised? This is typical of how my life works. And as time goes on it only gets worse. I just hope Granny(My great grandmother)knows how much I loved her and really would have wanted to go see her one last time and go pay my respects at her funeral. And that no matter what I will publish that book about her mother that she wanted me to write someday. I'll never forget you Granny, never. I love you and I hope that you are in a better place where you are safe and happy and get everything you want.Goodbye...

Stating the obvious...

I haven't wrote anything in a while because I've been in a sorta good mode lately and this whole blog thing was sort of a release from the stress. But I still have a lot to say so, I guess I'll start with the conversation me and my friend had last weekend. Bored at work we started conversing about the problems of the world and where we feel they stem from. By the end of the conversation I couldn't believe how much me and my friend did not have in common. My underlying and most important views of this world itself comes from my life experiences (which is enough to write a novel that no one would believe is true) and things I've seen happening in this world. I do take into consideration scholarly works which I do find interesting but I feel that you can't get every meaning of life from a book. And this is coming from someone who loves books and wants to have a library in their future home, no joke. But I see in college so many people take a class or read a book in a class and think that they know what life or certain peoples lifes are from it. I hear people saying things like "Well I took a class on Asain literature and I believe that the Asain Americans feel that way because...". As if taking one class makes you an expert on an entire group of people. Ridiculous. It can make you more aware of certain things and understand things a little more but you don't know it unless you are that particular group and experienced it. I like to take ethnic courses to learn a little something about a culture I otherwise would know little or nothing about but I definately know that it doesn't make me an expert in the matter. I don't know, I see it every year in at least one class I take and it bugs the hell out of me. But ok back to me and my friend. She has this Psychologist point of view being that, that is her major and feels that all the worlds problems boil down to love or lack there of. And feels that things start with the family. I don't think she's wrong but I see it as more than that. Everything isn't always that clear. Like my mother didn't love me so that's why I did this or my father wasn't in my life so that's why I do this. Everything isn't so clear cut. Some people will do things that can't be explained by there family relations, sometimes it society as a whole or the type of romantic relationships they've had or any number of things. I was trying to explain to her that I believe that there are a number of things that explain why people are the way they are, not just how their relation with their family is or isn't. But she just couldn't seem to get why I thought that way. Which is cool but she seemed really upset that I didn't believe in her views which mostly stemmed from this class she took and some guy she saw speak on a youtube video about the topic. Not that I'm knocking her for why she choose her views but too many crazy things have happened in my life for me to feel that all the problems of the world would change if we all have good relations at home with families that love and care for us. I think that it will help but more than that is needed to fix the problems of this world and on that note me and my friend couldn't agree. But I have more respect for someone who isn't scared to voice their opinions than someone who just goes along with everything I say as to avoid conflict but really believes otherwise.

No one knows...

I recently came across this song from 2002 (A great year for Alternative in my opinion) by Queens of the Stone Age called No One Knows. I loved it when I first heard it and hearing it again I couldn't help but to love it again and download to my Ipod, lol. But really its a great song and I don't think that Queens of the Stone Age got enough glory for it. So, I put da link here so you can judge & listen to the guitar solo at the end its one of the best. If your not a rock fan than you suck! No I'm just joking. But as a friend of mine told me the only two music genres out now that have something real to say is Rock and Country. Rap use to be my favorite genre when I was a little kid but I always loved Rock, too. But with the sharp decay of quality music videos nowadays it easy to get sick to your stomach when it comes to Rap and R&B. No one cares about the music anymore. Its all lets just sell as much as we can and fuck what type of image we send to the kids of America and elsewhere. Because lets face it if you are famous in America you are famous in a lot of other places too. I think that music is only good when the people making it actually care about the artform not just a quick buck. That's why so many artists come and go. In the 50's, 60's, 70's and even in the 80's there were artists who made a big impact and wasn't just one hit wonders. They loved making music and as times changed they changed along with it just so they could stay around a little longer to do what they loved. But now, HA! That's not even a thought in this material world. But when you have buyers there will always be sellers so I doubt anything is going to change anytime soon. Lets just hope that it doesn't get too bad. I love girls but I don't want to turn on a music video and feel like I'm watching soft porn. So, what are we going to do America? You tell me...