Its been a while...

It has been a few weeks since I have posted anything so, I felt that it was a little overdue. I've been trying to get back into the flow of things and deal with my loss. I found myself getting more into Rap music recently. Its been a while since I liked any rap artist. Usually, I just feel a couple songs but thats it. I am really loving Kanye West(His new album is great all the way thru)and a Canadian rapper/actor from one of my favorite shows, Degrassi whose real name is Aubrey Graham but raps under the name Drake. Drake is unsigned but has tremendous talent. He just has a flow that draws you in. And the other Canadian rappers he roles with have skills to. It almost makes me want to go to Canada if they can flow like him. Definately check out Drakes page, http://allthings-fresh.net/ , the site has a music player on it so you can hear like 30 different songs he he's made. Here is some songs from Drake & Kanye West that I am really feeling...

Photos of Regina M. Adams aka Vicki aka Granny~R.I.P.~

Writing through the Pain...

This video best describes me right now. What do you do when you are 20 years old and realize that for the first time in your life someone who you were close with, taught you so much and shared so many memories with has died? I knew it was coming. When people I know had someone who they were close to that died I felt really bad for them and never really knew what I could doto help them through it. I mean I was there for them if they wanted to talk and gave them space when they needed it but I didn't know what it was like to have someone really close to you that you cared a lot about die. Whenever I would think about people I cared about dying I would just push the thought to the back of my mind and hope that it wouldn't happen anytime soon. Because knowing my thoughts about death it would be hard for me to handle.What kills is I wanted to see my great grandmother when she was really sick this summer when I was back home in NYC but because of relations I have with my grandmother, her daughter, i couldn't go see her while she was still alive. And, now that she is gone I can't even go to the funeral because I would end up getting into some shit with my family and probably wind up getting Jumped! I fucking hate people, especially family. I only have 4 family members my mom, two brothers and 1 cousin. The rest(all 100 of them) are just people with whom I share a common ancestry. I fucking hate this shit! People who didn't even have respect for her when she was sick in her hospital bed are going to be able to see her and I won't! It was a little over a year since I seen her and I didn't exactly leave her house on "I love you" happy terms. Not as bad as other times in the past when I got into it with her but it wasn't exactly how I would have wanted to remember my last time seeing her. I'm just still in a state of denial like if I talk about it less maybe it will go away. I hung out with my friend and talked to a few people I was close with to get my mind off of things but I'm alone now so reality has kicked back in. And what's worse is I'm working now and it has been just over 24hrs since she has pasted and I am doing the grave yard shift so I still have 2 and a half more hours to go before I can actually get some sleep. I've been up for about 20hrs and I am so ready to sleep but I have to force myself up for a couple more hours. When people I know have problems they always turn to me but when I have a problem like this its not really someone I can turn to. Don't get me wrong I talked to a few people today who have helped but when I think of how I am when people I know have problems it doesn't even come close. I just can't believe that this is how things have to go down the first time someone close to me dies. I would have at least wanted to pay my respects but I can't even do that. But why am I surprised? This is typical of how my life works. And as time goes on it only gets worse. I just hope Granny(My great grandmother)knows how much I loved her and really would have wanted to go see her one last time and go pay my respects at her funeral. And that no matter what I will publish that book about her mother that she wanted me to write someday. I'll never forget you Granny, never. I love you and I hope that you are in a better place where you are safe and happy and get everything you want.Goodbye...

Stating the obvious...

I haven't wrote anything in a while because I've been in a sorta good mode lately and this whole blog thing was sort of a release from the stress. But I still have a lot to say so, I guess I'll start with the conversation me and my friend had last weekend. Bored at work we started conversing about the problems of the world and where we feel they stem from. By the end of the conversation I couldn't believe how much me and my friend did not have in common. My underlying and most important views of this world itself comes from my life experiences (which is enough to write a novel that no one would believe is true) and things I've seen happening in this world. I do take into consideration scholarly works which I do find interesting but I feel that you can't get every meaning of life from a book. And this is coming from someone who loves books and wants to have a library in their future home, no joke. But I see in college so many people take a class or read a book in a class and think that they know what life or certain peoples lifes are from it. I hear people saying things like "Well I took a class on Asain literature and I believe that the Asain Americans feel that way because...". As if taking one class makes you an expert on an entire group of people. Ridiculous. It can make you more aware of certain things and understand things a little more but you don't know it unless you are that particular group and experienced it. I like to take ethnic courses to learn a little something about a culture I otherwise would know little or nothing about but I definately know that it doesn't make me an expert in the matter. I don't know, I see it every year in at least one class I take and it bugs the hell out of me. But ok back to me and my friend. She has this Psychologist point of view being that, that is her major and feels that all the worlds problems boil down to love or lack there of. And feels that things start with the family. I don't think she's wrong but I see it as more than that. Everything isn't always that clear. Like my mother didn't love me so that's why I did this or my father wasn't in my life so that's why I do this. Everything isn't so clear cut. Some people will do things that can't be explained by there family relations, sometimes it society as a whole or the type of romantic relationships they've had or any number of things. I was trying to explain to her that I believe that there are a number of things that explain why people are the way they are, not just how their relation with their family is or isn't. But she just couldn't seem to get why I thought that way. Which is cool but she seemed really upset that I didn't believe in her views which mostly stemmed from this class she took and some guy she saw speak on a youtube video about the topic. Not that I'm knocking her for why she choose her views but too many crazy things have happened in my life for me to feel that all the problems of the world would change if we all have good relations at home with families that love and care for us. I think that it will help but more than that is needed to fix the problems of this world and on that note me and my friend couldn't agree. But I have more respect for someone who isn't scared to voice their opinions than someone who just goes along with everything I say as to avoid conflict but really believes otherwise.

No one knows...

I recently came across this song from 2002 (A great year for Alternative in my opinion) by Queens of the Stone Age called No One Knows. I loved it when I first heard it and hearing it again I couldn't help but to love it again and download to my Ipod, lol. But really its a great song and I don't think that Queens of the Stone Age got enough glory for it. So, I put da link here so you can judge & listen to the guitar solo at the end its one of the best. If your not a rock fan than you suck! No I'm just joking. But as a friend of mine told me the only two music genres out now that have something real to say is Rock and Country. Rap use to be my favorite genre when I was a little kid but I always loved Rock, too. But with the sharp decay of quality music videos nowadays it easy to get sick to your stomach when it comes to Rap and R&B. No one cares about the music anymore. Its all lets just sell as much as we can and fuck what type of image we send to the kids of America and elsewhere. Because lets face it if you are famous in America you are famous in a lot of other places too. I think that music is only good when the people making it actually care about the artform not just a quick buck. That's why so many artists come and go. In the 50's, 60's, 70's and even in the 80's there were artists who made a big impact and wasn't just one hit wonders. They loved making music and as times changed they changed along with it just so they could stay around a little longer to do what they loved. But now, HA! That's not even a thought in this material world. But when you have buyers there will always be sellers so I doubt anything is going to change anytime soon. Lets just hope that it doesn't get too bad. I love girls but I don't want to turn on a music video and feel like I'm watching soft porn. So, what are we going to do America? You tell me...

Stress

So, as you get from the title thats the way I feel right now, STRESSED. Its not school stress because that doesn't happen to much to me but just basic life stress if there is such a thing. I need something to keep me sane. I swear I love girls but I hate them. They always seem to be able to bring out the worst in people and this is coming from a girl. But honestly I feel that maybe if I was a guy it would be easier, Guys let me know if I'm right or not. Because being a girl who likes girls is like liking to walk face first into a knife. Its just like, Why? But then there are Actresses like this... and this... that make hating girls so hard. But really they really do put you through shit and sometimes I think they enjoy it. Matter Of Fact, I know they do. But on another note because I could go on all day with this, I had a class today that had me thinking about this Ideology by Foucalt that race isn't real its just a social construction that we create to justify our ignorance and that knowledge is produced to justify power relations and superiority. I've thought this way for years but to know its actually thought out and practiced makes me not feel so wierd. Knowledge in this country is definately used to control the masses. That's why if you aren't educated you have no power. Being uneducated doesn't mean that your not wise or that you don't have anything to offer to the world. Some people for certain circumstances just didn't get the chance or oppurtunity to get a higher education. Instead of creating more ways to change that many of us who do have access to higher education or have degrees look down on others who are uneducated. As if we are better than them. There is a saying "Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up!" and I try to practice it. I don't think I'm better than someone who is uneducated but to me there is a difference between someone who wallows in their own ignorance and enjoys doing nothing with their lives and someone who just had circumstances which caused them to not get an chance to do things they wanted to do in life. Shit happens in life that we can't control but everyone should be able to learn from those choices they've made and/or mistakes and make the necessary changes for things to get better. Again don't take my tone to mean I'm perfect because, sometimes I backtrack. But I know it and try to let it not happen too much. So, in ending this note I'm a little less stressed than I was starting it. So, I guess like they say, the little things in life can sometimes help.

We are not a Minority!!!

I'm at work now bored as shit so, I figured I had time for two posts today. I stole this image off someone's page on facebook months ago and have been meaning to talk about it. This mural by the way is in Los Angeles. I like it because I feel that in this country, Blacks, Latinos, Asians, etc. may be the minority but in this WORLD we are the MAJORITY. Its a known fact that most of the world's population is Non-Caucasian. But with that being so, on whole the people in control of most of the World's Countries are Caucasian. So, why is that so? Why do we let Whites have more power in a WORLD that we dominate. I think it has a lot to do with what I call "Nigga Mentality". And please no one get offended by the name. It's just from my experience being mostly of African American decent that this is a big problem in the African American Community but being part hispanic I see this in the Latino Community as well. Its sort of a notion i feel has roots in slavery. There were some slaves who wanted to fight back at there White oppressors and some that just sat there and took the punishment and mistreatment as a way of life. That Whites just had the power and it was nothing they could do about it. I definately would have rather died that just sit and take that shit. But that's what "Nigga Mentality" is to me, the notion that things are the way they are and Whites are and will always be in control and it isn't shit we can do about it. So you see them on your street corners or in your bodegas talking about what the latest sneakers are or singing the latest hip-hop song serving no purpose but to destory the world slowly and if you asked them why they didn't do something better with their lives they will tell you, "This is a White Man's world so, why bother I've got to make my hussle" or something in that sense. And its such bullshit to me. I lived in the projects half my life, moved around and switched schools over 10 times, been raped, spent the past 6 years in Fostercare and am still facing obstacles today but I will never just lie down and take this shit of a Country as being ok or anywhere close to it. True we aren't as bad off as other places but with all our resources we should be so much better. I'm ready to fight if I have to, to make a difference and change things. I don't just care about me or stupid material things that won't come with you when you die. But I care about the world as a whole and want to make it better. Because why is it that there are people who have Billions and just let it root or spend it on a yacht they will never use or a Mercedez-Benz that will just sit in the driveway because they have limos and chauffeurs to take them around and there are people in Africa, Brazil, Mexico, Haiti, Palestine, even in this Country the place that is so called the Land of Free, who are starving or on the brink of death because they can't afford hospital bills or health insurance? I think that once we as a people, the MAJORITY in this WORLD get together to make a change nothing can stop us but un-unified we are nothing. So, if you are one of those people or know one of those people who are young and just letting their life root to shit, say to yourself or them is this the kind world you want your children, nieces or nephews to live in? Do you want to grow old to see that nothing has changed? You shouldn't but maybe you don't care. Maybe I am the only person on this Universe who does? And maybe just maybe things will never change and I should just accept that. I'm not saying I'm perfect so please don't take that from my tone. I am far from it but I recognize the bullshit and my mistakes for what they are and try to make changes. What can you say you do to make a change? If its nothing, than why are you here?

What I'm feeling right now...

I don't know. It seems like the more older I get the more lonelier I get. I expected things to get better with time but it hasn't. I mean school and work have been working out pretty good. I even did an internship and got a job offer lined up for when I graduate. So, you would think I would feel good about myself but I don't. Don't get me wrong I'm happy about the job thing but its not enough to make me completely happy. And why do we always want what we can't have. Its like a curse. I seem to always want a girl who is completely unattainable to me. But if things would only be a little different we could be perfect for each other but its no use. So, what am I feeling right now? Sad, depressed, lonely, unwanted, unappreciated, I could go on but you get the picture. I just needed a little time to vent. But schools back (Go Spartans) so, I will have plenty of things to keep me occupied from the bullshit, but as always not for long.