Writing through the Pain...

This video best describes me right now. What do you do when you are 20 years old and realize that for the first time in your life someone who you were close with, taught you so much and shared so many memories with has died? I knew it was coming. When people I know had someone who they were close to that died I felt really bad for them and never really knew what I could doto help them through it. I mean I was there for them if they wanted to talk and gave them space when they needed it but I didn't know what it was like to have someone really close to you that you cared a lot about die. Whenever I would think about people I cared about dying I would just push the thought to the back of my mind and hope that it wouldn't happen anytime soon. Because knowing my thoughts about death it would be hard for me to handle.What kills is I wanted to see my great grandmother when she was really sick this summer when I was back home in NYC but because of relations I have with my grandmother, her daughter, i couldn't go see her while she was still alive. And, now that she is gone I can't even go to the funeral because I would end up getting into some shit with my family and probably wind up getting Jumped! I fucking hate people, especially family. I only have 4 family members my mom, two brothers and 1 cousin. The rest(all 100 of them) are just people with whom I share a common ancestry. I fucking hate this shit! People who didn't even have respect for her when she was sick in her hospital bed are going to be able to see her and I won't! It was a little over a year since I seen her and I didn't exactly leave her house on "I love you" happy terms. Not as bad as other times in the past when I got into it with her but it wasn't exactly how I would have wanted to remember my last time seeing her. I'm just still in a state of denial like if I talk about it less maybe it will go away. I hung out with my friend and talked to a few people I was close with to get my mind off of things but I'm alone now so reality has kicked back in. And what's worse is I'm working now and it has been just over 24hrs since she has pasted and I am doing the grave yard shift so I still have 2 and a half more hours to go before I can actually get some sleep. I've been up for about 20hrs and I am so ready to sleep but I have to force myself up for a couple more hours. When people I know have problems they always turn to me but when I have a problem like this its not really someone I can turn to. Don't get me wrong I talked to a few people today who have helped but when I think of how I am when people I know have problems it doesn't even come close. I just can't believe that this is how things have to go down the first time someone close to me dies. I would have at least wanted to pay my respects but I can't even do that. But why am I surprised? This is typical of how my life works. And as time goes on it only gets worse. I just hope Granny(My great grandmother)knows how much I loved her and really would have wanted to go see her one last time and go pay my respects at her funeral. And that no matter what I will publish that book about her mother that she wanted me to write someday. I'll never forget you Granny, never. I love you and I hope that you are in a better place where you are safe and happy and get everything you want.Goodbye...